I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
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