Only a mothe r could love this liver
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
