i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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