is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
