I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
