So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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