I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
