Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
