When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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