I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Randomize
