Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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