Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
