You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
