By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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