remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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