Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
