FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Found the puke drawer
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
