So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
