You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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