i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
