Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
