This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Randomize
