I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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