my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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