nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
