So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
