I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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