the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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