My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
