my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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