WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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