I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
