i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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