I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
