he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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