am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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