Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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