They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
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