I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
The feeling are messing with the penis
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize