1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
