Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
