What a fucking waste of an outfit
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Randomize
