Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
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