U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
