I'm jealous of your bromance
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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