just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
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