her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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