How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
