I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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