My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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