i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I think I have vodka in my lungs
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
