why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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