i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize