You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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