dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
