so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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