Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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