Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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