FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
