I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
