i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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