sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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