I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize