I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
